My First New York Fashion Show...

So I come to New York just like all the other gazillion actor wanna-be's. But the main thing that separates me from them is my passion! (tee hee) oh sorry, i didn't mean to laugh at myself.

Anyways, I got a call from my mediocre-agent saying that a certain designer is in need of ethnic models. Awesome, I love to be called ETHNIC! So i auditioned, sorta did the runway walk and I got in! It was exciting! Complete with wardrobe stylist, make up and hair! Woohoo!

I didn't get paid by the way.
I didn't get to keep the clothes as well.
Maybe next time!

Argh!

I met someone last Friday. Stats are as follows: 31 years old, 5'10, black, good looking, great body, good conversationalist, sense of humor, works as a social worker, nice fashion sense and he likes me. We went out on our first date. He took me to a play, because he knows that im into the whole theatre scene. Date ended with a nice kiss near the subway station in the west village.

He called the next day. And he called again. So i guess thats a good sign. I'm kicking myself in the butt now. I still think about Pinoy. I know its not nice and it aint fair to this new guy. I wanted to just meet people so that I can take my mind off him. But its not working so well. At the end of the day, I still think about him...

So now, I just wanted to find out what really went wrong. What happened. Was it just too fast? Did we skip a whole lot of getting to know you months, had sex and scared each other off? Was everything real or did we just act on our hormones? What does he want to do now? What does he want me to do? Should we start again? Should we just forget about everything? Should we just be friends? Can we be friends? Should i just think about my pride and just completely charge everything to experience and go on with my life?

The last one sounds like what I should really do and what I would normally do. But what if I want to fight for what I feel because based from experience its not like me to feel this way. That its so hard for me to open my heart or my life to another person and become vulnerable to being hurt again. But I would want to know his answers. Hopefully I can get them soon.

Where's the Magic Now?

Or so i thought it was magic. Boy was i wrong. It was a nice thought though. That it could happen again. That I could be happy again. That I would be able to find someone special to share my life with. It was nice. But things didnt really work out. After several weeks of being hopeful that there's this one person who likes me and I was starting to like, he suddently bails on me. All of a sudden, he started pushing himself away from me. It was weird. And it wasn't a nice feeling. Bitterness and pain was coming back all over again.

Now, for some odd reason, I miss him. Its as if I was drawn into this bermuda triangle of emotions. For those short weeks that we started to get to know each other, I told myself it was time to let someone in again. I was willing to start again and to go through the entire process of getting to know someone and possibly loving someone. I miss the was he cuddles. The way he smiles. The way he twiches his eyebrows. The way he talks. The way he touches me.

Its crazy. Or was I in love with the thought of falling in love again. The thing with this so called love is, we dont have this love manual. We dont have any detailed rules on how to go about falling in love. What we should do and we shouldn't do. There should also be this love thermometer to figure out if we are really in love with this person or just that thing we call infatuation. I guess we'll never know.

Its been more than a week now since he told me he wasn't ready. I still think about him. What hurts is I dont know if he thinks about me. If he really did like me. If he really thought I might be the one. If all those time that we spent together was real. Did he lead me on. Did he do it on purpose. Was it an ego thing? Did he find anything wrong with me that made him decide to stop everything and forget about me. Was I that bad?

I dont know.

Sana Ay Ikaw Na Nga

Anong kailangan kong gawin
(WHAT DO I NEED TO DO)
Upang malaman mo
(TO LET YOU KNOW)
Ikaw ay minamahal ko
(THAT I LOVE YOU)
Kailangan ko'y katulad mo
(I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU)
Sa buhay kong ito
(IN MY LIFE)
Nag-iisa lang sa mundo
(ALONE IN THIS WORLD)

Dati'y nasaktan na 'ko
(I WAS HURT BEFORE)
Takot nang magtiwala
(SCARED TO TRUST)
Ayoko na sanang umibig pa
(I DON'T WANT TO LOVE ANYMORE)
Ngunit ika'y ibang-iba
(BUT YOU'RE DIFFERENT)
Sa lahat ng nakilala
(FROM EVERYONE THAT I'VE MET)
Sana ay ikaw na nga
(I REALLY HOPE THAT IT'S YOU)

Anong kilangan kong gawin
(WHAT DO I NEED TO DO)
Upang matigil na
(TO STOP)
Ang kabaliwan kong ito
(MY BEING CRAZY )
Sumpa ko sa sarili'y
(I SWORE TO MYSELF)
Hinding-hinding hindi na
(THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN)
Ngunit heto na naman ako
(BUT HERE I AM AGAIN)
Hindi na papipigil pa
(I WONT BE STOPPED)
At di na paaawat
(I WONT BE HELD BACK)
Sinisigaw na ang pangalan mo
(MY HEART IS SHOUTING FOR YOUR NAME)

Ikaw talaga'y ibang-iba
(YOU'RE REALLY DIFFERENT)
Sa lahat ng nakilala
(FROM ALL THAT I'VE MET)
Sana ay ikaw na nga
(I REALLY HOPE THAT IT'S YOU)
Sana ay ikaw na nga
(I REALLY HOPE THAT IT'S YOU)

He's not into you...

But just a reminder to myself and perhaps an introduction to a philosophy that could change my life:

*If he doesn't call you back, he's just not that into you.
*If he DOES call you but only for sex, he's just not that into you.
*If he's too busy to hang out, he's just not that into you.

Okay. Deep breath. I feel much better now.

HALA!

"We all want to fall in love, because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every motion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, and an afternoon. But that doesn’t diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

Welcome Back Old Francis!

So i couldn't sleep last night. He didn't respond to my text messages and he didn't return my call. Yes, im talking about this guy who I just met last Sunday. I was so paranoid that after a few days of seeing each other and being with each other, he was indeed just going to play me. That he would be like the LA boys that i've dated. And then it struck me. Am i becoming the Francis that i used to be when i was with my ex? It seems like i am becoming that person who i absolutely hated. And this is just a few days of getting to know him. Wow. So i stop. I decided to take things very very very slow and just go with the flow of everything. And of course, the fact that I don't have a job yet makes me even more foolish to just worry about all the other things.

so once again, i stop.

Magic

So ive moved to New York on October 11. Sold everything i owned in Los Angeles and left all my friends. Its like when I left the Philippines to move to the United States. The roller coaster of emotions is happening all over again. Its my second week in New York. so far so good. but i still dont have a job and i still dont have an apartment. but things are looking up.

last friday, i believe that was October 20, i got a smile message on my friendster account. friendster is kinda weirding me out considering the numerous friends ive reconnected with over the past years. and now this. he's quite charming and i thought he was cute so i messaged him back. we got to talk on the phone last sunday and i felt we instantly had the connection. we decided to meet that night. we met at toys r us on broadway. i was thinking, of all places toys r us? lol. anyways, he was late. i thought he stood me up. i was thinking, darn, no one flakes out on me. but when i met him, i thought it was worth it.

ollie's chinese restaurant and then therapy lounge. after 2 glasses of pinot grigio, i was drawn into the conversation, his smile and his wit. i went home with him. had the most amazingly long make out session and a full 24 hour first date.

i might be eating my words about my bitter ideas on love, relationships and being able to live alone in this world.

might.

My Send Off Parties in Los Angeles

Testing...Testing...

So i had my first ever HIV test today. It was a mind blowing experience. There were around a dozen people in the room waiting for their turn to get tested or just simply waiting for their test results. Everyone stealing quick glances at everyone walking in and out of the dreaded door. We were watching Jeopardy. Trying to relax. There was tension in the room. We tried guessing the answers to the different questions of Jeopardy. But who would actually freakin know the date when perforated cardboard boxes were invented? Or what's the name of that watchamacallit bridge in the nearby town of Moscow, Russia?

Finally they called me. I was FA28 that night. It was the initials to my first and last name and uhmmm... my age. The doctor or that's what i assumed him to be, was very nice. He did have a bit of a sneezing problem which kinda got me worried a bit. But after a while, i thought to myself, it was the least of my worries that night. He pricked me with this small contraption, he missed the first time, then did it again. A small drop of blood was collected from my middle finger. How ironic, i was giving the doctor the finger while he tested me for HIV. Then it was over. It was just time to wait. A dancing competition was now on TV.

The counselor then called me. We had the usual greetings. Very basic. Trying our best to remain anonymous amidst all the confidential information we are giving away that night. Whats your sexual Preference? GAY. How many sexual partners have you had for the past 6 months? I had to think. Its not like ive had sex with a gazillion guys for the past 6 months. Its the other way around, i haven't had sex for a while. Yeah, HONEST! But i know i had sex the past six months. I said 2. But i think it was 3. Top or bottom? BOTH (ha!). Do you use condoms? ALWAYS. And a lot of other really sexual questions.

I went out to the waiting area again. It was another 10 minutes to wait. I glanced around the room. I saw a young gay couple. They were 22 and 23 years old. I found out because you give them your initials and then your age. Thus, i was FA28. And then i guess there was the customary older white guy with younger asian guy couple. All of them went in and out of the counselors room with stoic faces. I never would know if they were positive or negative. Never. But i know that one of my friends was going to be positive.

At exactly 3pm today, he texted me that he needed to talk to me after work. It was urgent. Not hearing from him for quite a while now, i was curious. Of course being the nosy me, I can't wait until the end of the day to find out what was so urgent. So i called him up. I heard panic, pain and stress in his voice. Then crying. He said his blood test was just released and he came out to be HIV positive. I didn't know what to say. I was shocked. I was speechless. I couldn't believe that someone i know would be afflicted with this dreadful disease. I couldn't think of words to say that would comfort him. This is usually a talent of mine. I would transform whatever bad news one would have into something positive. No matter how bad it is.

But nothing came out. All i had to offer was for him to take the test again. And that i will go with him. And that it wasn't the end of the world. Which was a pathetic statement. If it was me, I would hate to hear that cliche. But its the truth. Its not the end of the world if you tested positive for HIV. I guess i wouldn't know. Im not in his shoes.

He cried, no, he sobbed, no, he really burst into tears as soon as we got out of the clinic. All i could do was hug him. His entire life would change now. His relationship with his boyfriend was at stake. His parents would be devastated. His whole world started to crumble right in front of him. I just closed my eyes and wished that it was just a bad joke. Or another one of my day dreams. But when I opened my eyes, it was not. And we have to deal with the fact that he is HIV positive.

I came out negative.

Lesson: Different Stages of Developing a Relationship

So I can finally say that I am kinda, in some sort of way, maybe, dating someone. There are different stages of developing a relationship he said. There’s Hooking Up, Hanging Out, Dating, Exclusively Dating and then finally Boyfriends. I guess I didn’t get that memo. As I ask my friends about it, they have their own version of these stages of developing a relationship. Mine is Seeing, Dating, Boyfriends. It’s quite simple really.

But I never did believe in hooking up as the first stage.

Seeing. This is the time that we get to know each other better. As for my pseudo lover, this might be similar to hanging out. We watch movies, have dinner, coffee or grab a drink, maybe go on trips to the beach. Just regular activities that you could actually be doing with you friends. It may be somewhat romantic and we may be doing some fooling around but nothing sexual usually happens during this stage. This would normally last a few weeks.

Dating. This is where we establish that yes, we indeed like each other. We somewhat have the idea of each other’s quirks and attitudes. We may not really agree on Mexican food and Spicy Indian Cuisine but we can decide to give it a try just to be fair. We now go on dates more romantic than the ones that we’ve been doing. Its doing most of the things that people in a relationship are doing. Now, this could be similar to Dating and Exclusively Dating combined. I believe that when I know I am dating someone, its exclusive. Don’t you think? I cant comprehend that line, I’m dating a few people. I can say, I’m seeing a few people. But when it comes to dating, this is the point that I have chosen from the people that I am seeing who I want to date. And that my friend, is always exclusive.

Boyfriends. Then finally you’ve come to the point where you both decide that you really do like each other…so much that you want to be with each other every minute of every day. Well, not exactly every single minute, but something like that. That you don’t mind his silly laughter or that he goes out of his way to step on a twig because it makes an interesting crunchy noise. Or that he makes this goofy expression before he reaches an orgasm. Maybe too much information. So now, you are in a relationship. You have a boyfriend. This is the time that you really establish the commitment, set up some ground rules and make some sort of schedule where each one of you is included in the incomprehinsibly busy lifestyle of Los Angeles.

Just some random thoughts.

Waiting Game

So its that time again. After everything has been said and done. I wait. I've gone through the interview process, from the Human Resources to the partner and boss that I will be working for. I gave it my best. Now, all i have to do is wait for their call. Wait.

Random Reinforcement

Put three groups of rats in three separate cages, each equiped with a bar. The first group of rats got a pellet every time they pressed the bar. The second group never gets a pellet, no matter how often they pressed. And the third group got pellets just once in a while.

The first group, eventually gets bored with the guaranteed reward and the rats who never get treats give up too. But the random rats will press on that bar forever, hoping each time they press that this time the MAGIC will happen, that this time they'll get lucky.

Daily Love for January 05, 2006

"Have a little faith, even if a recent romantic experience didn't leave you with a great sense of optimism. The nice thing about the wheel of fortune is that it's always turning. Your luck will change."

Lets break it down!

I was itching to write. I had all these thoughts buzzing in my head. I wanted to have a breakdown of how good this year has started for me. Of course I am being overly sarcastic. First of all, I had a shitty new year's eve. Referring to the previous blogs, which i cannot quote anymore for fear of being hurt by no other than myself. I don't have a job. I have no money. My bills are overflowing. Collection agencies are crawling everywhere. My cellphone got disconnected. Checks are bouncing. I have no love life. Happy New Year!

I felt overwhelmed by all the things that I have to worry about. But after attending my regular yoga class. I actually was able to clear my mind. I was happy that even for an hour, I was able to escape all these things. Or did I really? I hope my yoga instructor was right. Just keep on coming to the class and soon everything will just fall into the right places. I hope.

Not to sound bitter because uhmmm, I am bitter. It seems most of the people around me are getting their graces for 2006. Last night, Marco sent Jun a rose and a balloon at his work place. Tonight Jun is sleeping over Marco's place and things are looking good on their reconcillation. I passed by my friend and neighbor, Stephen's place tonight hoping to hang out with him, but surprisingly, his ex, Chris was there. Hence, they're back together. Alex went out to dinner with Jason last night. Mark has a new job. Eric and Jason are still together. Thats nice. Im happy for them. Yup, I am really.

So now, What do I do? Do i sulk in my apartment? Which coincidentally has not yet been paid for the months of December and January. Continue sending resumes to every job opening in town. And just become satisfied with chatting on gay.com every single night until 4am trying to find love (or sex, whichever comes first). Argh. I need something good to happen real soon. I need some good changes in my life. I need something...someone!

At least my carpet is clean.

Best Friend Forever - BFF!

Jun got to the Abbey a few minutes before the countdown. I was happy to see him. He's been the one person who I can say has been there for me through the most trying times of my life this 2005. Ive come to the point where I am really flat broke, debts and bills overflowing. Its amazing how i was able to go through 6 months like this. I owe a lot to Jun not just moral support but also for food, money, car, and everything else. I've felt that someone really does care for me no matter what. I feel secure that if something bad happens i can count on someone to be there for me. Its nice to have that someone special. A best friend.

Then his boyfriend broke up with him. Im glad i dont believe that that shit about whatever happens at the strike of midnight, that how your whole year will be. It was filled with drama. And I was feeling that weird thing about my ex. Whew. Couldn't everyone just be happy? Couldn't everything just go our way sometimes? Or even just a few times during the year.

Did the Magic Fade?

It was a night with friends at the Abbey. We have been celebrating New Year's Eve at this place. Im not sure why we opt to go to the Abbey every year. Its always crowded and it seems like everyone is just pretending to be happy and excited about the coming year. Oh well, it was happy. Friends were there. Of course the ex was there. Its just weird that I still felt weird about him. Its been more than 2 years that we technically broke up. Now, i still have this feeling of jealousy over him whenever he's with someone. I guess he could be right when he said that I will never accept whoever he's dating. There will always be that animosity between me and whoever he's with. Darn.

I havent really completely understood our "relationship." I cant help but think of the things that we've gone through as a couple. Its not like I want the whole world to know. Wait. Yes i want the whole world to know. Why not? I loved him with my all my heart. But yeah, i still dont understand what was it in our relationship that couldnt be explained. Up until now, some things are still blurry. All i know is that i love him.

I have decided that this will be the last time that I will be thinking of that past relationship. I still do love him. But its high time to really and truly move on. The hope will still be there but will not be entertained except when the time comes that its right in front of us. Its time to stop being hurt with words, actions and everything else that has to do with him and events not going my way.

It has been 2 and a half years that I have been single. I guess i felt that no one else came close to how I feel about him. Amidst all the fights, complains, tears, yes...no one else still comes close. But 2006 is the time to let go of everything that still remains inside of me. I have my whole life ahead of me. And I will no longer dwell on the past.