Thursday, March 08, 2007

Love once more?

"Have the courage to trust love
one more time,
always, one more time."

- Maya Angelou"


"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." ~ William Jennings Bryan


Back to the gym today. It felt so good being able to stretch and nudge those muscles again. I have to stick to a routine and be back into shape!

Here we go again!

So how do i put this delicately. F*ck! I never thought it would happen again. I feel like I'm in freakin' Las Vegas trying my luck on a stupid slot machine. I am just losing all my quarters and never getting the winning combination. What am i talking about?

I was happily going about my daily struggles of being a poor struggling artist in New York. I was living in a really tiny apartment, eating crappy food everyday, i lost my gym membership so i'm in my lousiest shape ever and to top it all, im unemployed. Then i get this message on yahoo personals. I was surprised that someone young (23 years old!) emailed me. I usually get the 50 year old men, sometimes up to 70 years old! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against them, but its just not my thing.

So i respond using the free icebreaker feature, coz im not a member. I am looking for love, but not yet too eager to come to a point to paying a monthly membership. Once again, nothing against those who pay, its just that I cant afford anything like that. Its just rent and food for me for the moment. So he responds with his phone number, which is weird because yahoo personals wouldnt really allow that to go through, but it did.

So, of course I call him. Voicemail. I left a message. He responds after a few days, he got my voicemail. But I left for Boston for the holidays, that kept me busy. I call him again on my way back to NY. He picked up, but he needed to call me back. Then he calls back, but i was too tired that day, so i was asleep when he called.

Finally after a week of playing phone tag, I decided to call him again. And finally we were able to talk. Surprisingly, he's nice, smart, funny, has good conversational skills and knows how to multi-task. He was doing his laundry while talking on the phone. A little bird tells me that this might be a good match. And then he told me he has a boyfriend.

I was taken aback. So why the yahoo personals. He said, he is new in town and he's just on there to meet new friends. Still, I agreed to meet up with him. As friends of course. But I told him he cant fall in love with me. And I cant fall in love with him.

But I did.

We met a couple of times. Talked to each other on the phone lots of times. Emailed, texted each other and if we ever we have ESP, we probably would've sent each other telepathic messages as well. Yeah, i did fall for him. As my old line would say, its just rare to find someone who I like and likes me back. But then again, he is with someone. And that is how the story would end.

I started to feel really bad about the entire situation. Even though they are having problems and their relationship has been rocky, the fact of the matter is, they're still together. And that they committed to being faithful and honest to each other. And I am destroying that sacred vow. I also believe in karma. I wouldn't want that to happen to me. I have to end it. But I am torn. What if i stick around, hang out with him, semi-seduce him and make him fall for me deeper and deeper. Maybe he'd choose me. Then, that would constitute to an unforgivable crime.

I got an email from the boyfriend. He lives out of New York. That is actually one of their problems. Having a new relationship of two months and the distance factor. He asked me if i knew that the guy im seeing has a boyfriend. It struck me hard. I am the second man. The destroyer of relationships. The bad guy.

I woke up today thinking about him. I think about him a lot. But today was different. I cringed when I thought about him. I felt troubled. And its not a good feeling. I felt the need to talk to him and to somehow figure out what to do. At the back of my mind, I was shouting to myself, whats there to figure out? There wasn't anything to think about. There is only one thing to do. Stop seeing him. And thats exactly what I did.

He gave me one final hug. We were standing in the corner of 86th Street and Broadway. It was snowing that night. Cold wind was blowing from all directions. I felt numb as we were saying goodbye. Both from the cold winter air and from this painful feeling inside me. But when we hugged, I felt the warmth that just eased through my entire body. It was the warmth that I have been longing for. Its the kind of happy feeling that's telling me that I shouldn't let go. Everything felt right at that very moment. But as they all say, all good things must come to an end. And we had to let go.

It was cold again.