And. I'm. Back.

Magic is still great. It's magical. So it's not like i'm looking for magic again. it's a blog about living the magic. and looking for a job. so watch out for more blog posts coming soon!

Tonight.

I think i broke down tonight. No, its not what you think. For my blog readers (yup, all 8 of them!) who's been following my stories, I'm sure they'd say that, here's another one of those sappy love stories or failed relationships or miserable stories of bitterness. i would like to happily say, that this isn't one of those.

In the past few years, whenever I admit that I am happy, there would always be that one thing that would go wrong. always. i thought it was crazy to think this way. but after a continuous and regular cycle, almost like clockwork, i thought I may be on to something. what if i deny myself of happiness. what if every single time that there is that hint of a probable happy moment, i see it as something ordinary. something that isn't worth celebrating. something that just happens on a regular day. like getting milk at the grocery store or buying soda at 7-11. then maybe it won't be taken away from me.

Tonight, everything felt so right that without any doubt or fear, I can say that I am happy. I spoke to my family back home and everything is going well. My younger brother has gotten his dream job and is being the most amazing kid brother in the whole world. My mom just celebrated her 60th birthday and still remains the vibrant, caring, sweet, woman that she's been every since I met her. My dad's is back on his game and is healthier than ever. He is taking good care of himself by sticking to a good diet, his cholesterol level is back to normal, biopsy for his prostate is benign and he is back to his old jolly self teasing me of sending him millions of dollars so he can get his dream car! I also reconnected with old friends who mean the world to me. and when you don't have family here in the US, there's nothing that can fill that void but the truest of friends.

AND, I recently met this amazing person who can light up my day with a smiley, who can make me smile with a goofy grin, who can withstand any eating competition in the entire Los Angeles county, and who can (possibly) rock my world. Although, i know its too soon to predict, coz god knows how it would end up, being able to feel this excitement again, the butterflies in my stomach again or the pain of anticipation on when we'll see each other again, is more than enough to make me feel happy.

again.

finally.

And as if on cue, my dog, Oreo jumped into my bed and snuggled next to me.

good night.

Is he also "a gay?"

“Anak, is he also a gay?”

That was the one solitary question that my mom asked me when I told her that I started dating again. She didn’t ask about any personal questions, how we met, where he lives, what does he do or anything else. She just asked me, if he was also “a gay?”

I didn’t know what she meant by “a gay.”

I came out to my mom a couple of years ago. I told myself that I would come out to my family when I turn 30. I know for sure that they already know. But I wanted to formally come out to them. I didn’t have the chance to come out to them in person as I was living in New York at that time. So I called her. My mom and I are very close. We can talk about anything and everything. She can ask me about shoes, current events, latest celebrity gossip, etc. I guess that was one indication that I was different from my brother. But I couldn’t talk to her about my sexuality. So when the time came that I finally told her. It was a glorious day. I know our relationship would be so much better.

She said she knew, but she still cried. But I know, she was happy.

I asked her what she meant by “a gay.” Apparently, she has seen and heard of couples in the Philippines where one person is gay and the partner is a straight male. The gay partner usually supports the straight male financially and the relationship is based solely on this premise. It was sad. But true. And I understood why my mom wasn’t as happy as I am when I told her that I met someone and that I am finally dating again. She was more scared and worried about the possible new relationship. A direct opposite of my elation and excitement. But I completely understood her.

There are dozens of misconceptions about homosexuality, more so homosexual relationships. Even now that gay relationships are slowly getting accepted in most parts of the world, it is still a struggle to prove that a homosexual relationship is very much like any heterosexual relationship. That it is based on two people attracted to each other, wanting to be with each other and essentially loving each other.

I asked my mom about her dream wedding for my younger (straight) brother. She got excited all of sudden. She said she wanted to experience everything. From looking for venues, food tasting, designing the invitation, looking for the right paper, checking out wedding cakes and all the stress that comes with the wedding preparation. She ended with saying that it’s unfortunate that I can’t have that. I had to tell her that we can actually. But it’s just going to be a little different wherein, instead of a bride and a groom, it will be two grooms.

She was a little bit confused. Not because of the idea of two men getting married, but more of the fact that the sanctity of marriage was based on two people loving each other and committing to be with each other forever. She couldn’t see that happening with a homosexual relationship because of her prior notion on these kinds of relationships.

I can actually describe my mom as a modern mom. She thinks this way not because she’s closed minded or stupid, but it is because this is how gay relationships are presented to her in the Philippines. Both in real life and also in the mainstream media. Once again, it’s the sad truth.

I guess it is up to me to show her, tell her and make her feel that the reason why I remained single for a very long time was because I wanted to find someone who is perfect for me. Someone who I can share my life with and commit to be with. Not for any other reason, but because of true, traditional and unconditional love.

Just like any other heterosexual relationship.

Someday.

My Kitchen

After a year of living in the tiniest shoe box of an apartment in New York City, I vigorously searched the entire borough of Manhattan for the perfect apartment. After weeks of walking, cab fares, subway rides and just jumping from one brownstone to another, i found one. It was a traditional walk up apartment in the Upper West Side. Rent controlled, brick walls, hardwood floors and the cutest bay window overlooking central park. It was perfect. Except for the kitchen.

Mind you, all New Yorkers know that the the hardest things to find in the city are as follows, based on the degree of difficulty:

#3 - JOB
#2 - Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Relationship
#1 - A Perfect Apartment

And I turned down this apartment.

When I was a kid, i found myself seeking refuge in the kitchen. Nope, not pigging out. Well sometimes. But more of just hanging out in the kitchen. For overly depressing situations, I somewhat find comfort in the rhythmic humming of the fridge. It seems like it soothes my innermost sorrows. When I moved to the US, I spent most of my nights in the kitchen during the times when I felt so alone or when I miss my friends and family back in the Philippines. The kitchen was never a stranger to me. No matter where I go, I'd seem to find a good friend in anyone's kitchen. But not in this so called New York kitchen. And i just couldn't live there.

In my most recent move. I found it harder to get to know my current kitchen. It seems like it didn't accept me right away and vice versa. It seems unwilling to offer its usual welcome. Even the fridge didn't care to offer me it's soothing melody. It took some time.

But recently, I made peace with my new kitchen.

I cooked for the first time. I prepared breakfast. Nothing fancy, just eggs and toast and some turkey ham. But it was the most delightful breakfast. It was like finding a long lost friend. I was happy to finally reconnect.

But tonight, like all good friends, my kitchen was brutally honest with me. After a long day at work, stripped off my work clothes and slipped into my pj's, I was eating some leftovers beside my newly polished stove, my new kitchen reminded me that I wasn't home yet. That this wasn't my home. And I felt alone.

I know, its kind of melodramatic. But it did feel that way. I was looking at the dining table and remembered all the great meals that my mom and dad prepared for me and my brother. How we'd always (always!) get together every Sunday after Church to just get a recap of the week and update each other of our lives. Even when we had the simplest of all meals, it was always a an awesome time eating with the family.

It would be nice to come home to a place I can call home. Hopefully soon!

(and yes, i was totally posing in that pic!)

Magic & Meg Ryan

"it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic." - sleepless in seattle (1993)

it's real. it's out there. i still believe in it. i know it still exists. i've experienced the magic once and for a very long time, i've searched and waited. amidst the jaded and bitter years, i know in my heart that it will happen again.

im cheesy.

this morning i had brunch with my best friend Jun. we've been caught in this vicious cycle called life, that we haven't really been seeing much of each other lately. but we vowed to change that. thus we had brunch.

it doesn't hurt to believe and it isn't bad to hope. jun has always been on my case whenever i tell him that it would never work out. i am destined to be single. maybe i'm not built to be in a relationship. maybe i am the exception to the rule. as we were revisiting those dark years, we stumble upon what has been happening to me the past weeks. hoping upon hope that i could once again be happy.

and then, out of all the brunch places in Los Angeles, out of all the possible celebrity sightings, out of all the things that could possibly happen, Meg Ryan sat next to me at the restaurant.

"Why are you single?"

I don't think that's even a valid question. Real questions should be answerable. That question just isn't. No one really knows why they are single. Well, unless they have body odor. I'm kidding. Even those with odor problems deserve to be with someone.

- prince of magic

Sorry this post isnt about you. No really.

i noticed its easier to write when I'm depressed. it's easier to write about heartaches and pain. its easier to write about failed relationships and lost hopes. i also noticed that people comment more on tear-jerker blog postings, not those tears of joy kind of tears but those painful emotional tear jerker posts that i used to have. well that was before i had my tear ducts shut permanently.

it got me thinking, are people getting more accustomed to being hurt than being happy? why is it that people relate more to sad stories than happy ones? is it getting harder and harder to be happy these days? and this is just the search for happiness in general. what about the happiness that relates to love? most of the comments that i get from readers are usually from these sad posts about love. i concur. i am not alone in this eternal search for love and happiness. i have my legions of followers that could attest to the harshness that love and hope has brought to the world.

sometimes the universe can be cruel. yet sometimes when you just totally detest how the universe has been taunting you all these years, it, all of a sudden, throws you a bone. would it hurt to try to accept happiness? i guess not.

i received an email the other day. someone asked me why i was starting to sound happy with my posts. am i getting soft? am i warming up? friends also noticed something different. maybe it's time to change. maybe there are certain reasons to feel good about myself. maybe there's a reason to be happy. maybe the universe has conspired to jumble the alignment of the stars a bit. maybe.

wait. maybe this post might be a little bit about you then. maybe.

I love cheese.

"Yes, right... arguing about cheese brings the relationship to a whole new level. No longer in the realm of wine or bread, or even cologne or clothes but cheese, dammit! And when you find that perfect cheese that you both enjoy, no matter how stinky, flaky, spongy, creamy, rancid, indespicably pungent it may be, you will savor every bit of it... because good cheese, like a good man, is not about being sweet or soft or easy to slice... it's about waking your senses with intoxicating smells and filling your mouth with tastes and textures that you'd keep coming back for more..."

Damn I don't look 28!

...walang hihirit!

Hope sucks...

but not all the time. sometimes you have to give it a chance. that maybe hope can be a good thing. that maybe it's good to hope. maybe.

HI. My name is Francis...and you are?

It's been over 800 years ago since my last posting on here. I think everyone was still listening to their walkmans and people are still wearing their acid wash jeans the last time i blogged. thereby, i am forcing myself to blog once again.

To say that a lot has happened within those 800 years would be an understatement. I had fully uprooted myself from downtown los angeles. Sadly. I love living in DTLA. Its reminiscent of New York City. Well not really. But its the closest i can get to remembering the streets of glorious Manhattan. I now live in the wonderfully happy world of West Hollywood. But not that close to the gays. Just the right distance. Still, its a nice neighborhood. An assortment of gays, lesbians, old folks and wannabee hipsters that got lost from the silverlake area, walking an assortment of dogs in the morning. I must say, most of these people are really nice. They take time to say hi, good morning and how are you, sometimes with real, genuine sincerity!

I also launched my non profit the past few months. Layers of Love has gone through the usual and expected ups and downs of a start up organization. But thats for another blog entry. check it out - www.layersoflovela.org

In terms of love life. I am still single. That's it, enough said.

4th State to Legalize Gay Marriage - Vermont!

MONTPELIER, Vt. — Vermont on Tuesday became the fourth state to legalize gay marriage _ and the first to do so with a legislature's vote.

The House recorded a dramatic 100-49 vote _ the minimum needed _ to override Gov. Jim Douglas' veto. Its vote followed a much easier override vote in the Senate, which rebuffed the Republican governor with a vote of 23-5.

Vermont was the first state to legalize civil unions for same-sex couples and joins Connecticut, Massachusetts and Iowa in giving gays the right to marry. Their approval of gay marriage came from the courts.

Tuesday morning's legislative action came less than a day after Douglas issued a veto message saying the bill would not improve the lot of gay and lesbian couples because it still would not provide them rights under federal and other states' laws.

House Speaker Shap Smith's announcement of the vote brought an outburst of jubilation from some of the hundreds packed into the gallery and the lobby outside the House chamber, despite the speaker's admonishment against such displays.

Among the celebrants in the lobby were former Rep. Robert Dostis, D-Waterbury, and his longtime partner, Chuck Kletecka. Dostis recalled efforts to expand gay rights dating to an anti-discrimination law passed in 1992.

"It's been a very long battle. It's been almost 20 years to get to this point," Dostis said. "I think finally, most people in Vermont understand that we're a couple like any other couple. We're as good and as bad as any other group of people. And now I think we have a chance to prove ourselves here on forward that we're good members of our community."

HAHAHAHAHA!

Standing motionless in the shower this morning, letting the water just cascade over my head down my body, I had a realization. The worst thing about dating isn't getting rejected. It's allowing yourself to hope. Hope is the absolutely worst thing you can do when you're dating. Oh, I know hope is supposed to be this great sustaining emotion. Everybody always says, "Don't lose hope." Fuck that. Hope sucks. It's because I hope so hard that the disappointment is always so great.

It's about time I simply accepted the fact that there is no one out there waiting for me. Mr. Right doesn't exist.

- Men Who Love Men by William J. Mann

Hope sucks. It never fails. Whenever I start hoping, everything just starts crumbling down, everything fails. Its actually starting to be funny now. I used to get depressed about all those failed dates and prospective love interests, but I guess after it has happened to you a dozen gazillion times, you kinda feel numb already. Almost dead inside. And it becomes funny. And I just laugh.

Woohoo. So much fun. I don't really know why it hasn't happened yet. I tried going out on dates, putting myself out there, not looking, tried hooking up, laying low, and all sorts of different styles, still there's no one. I really feel that there is no one out there for me anymore. I am thinking that my soul mate, the one true love, my partner in life does not exist anymore. By some weird twist of fate, i was left out and was missed in that careful planning of pairs.

Hope sucks.

Enough.

Yesterday was a mess. To borrow lines from Project Runways 2008 Winner, Christian Siriano, it was a "hot tranny mess!"

Woke up late. Wasn't feeling well. Had to bring my friend from Boston to LAX. Traffic was bad (as usual). Work was overwhelming from start to finish. Had a late night meeting until 9pm. When I got home, the house was also a mess. There were unwashed dishes in the sink. Empty bottles and plastic containers were all over the place. Trash was overflowing and is started to stink. At the same time, I had to clean my room. Do 3 full loads of laundry and work on my event on Saturday.

SO, i started to tackle them one at a time. Put in my first load of laundry, which are my sheets and pillow cases, followed by whites then coloreds. Tidied up a bit in the house. Then arranged the recycling. And then washed the dishes. As everything was going well, i dropped a bowl in one of the plates and broke it. To further mess up things, I cut myself right between the thumb and the pointer finger (ouch). And then people started dropping out from my event which is two days from today. Yey!

So after I finished clearing the clutter in the living room, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, folding my clothes, cleaning my room, throwing the trash, walking and feeding my dog, putting away the recycling, i showered, watched porn and jerked off.

And everything was fine.

It is one of those nights...

Some nights one can't really help but think that it would surely be a whole lot better if there is someone special to talk to and for that someone to tell you, to promise you that its ok and everything will be better in the morning. this is one of those nights.

im not sure what triggered this feeling. but it has been happening more often now. i guess this is what everyone was saying. you'd know when you are ready. when you really want it to happen. when it is the right time. of course this is just a self analysis. a theory, a hypothesis. it could just be the bucket of popcorn i munched on at the movies tonight. or the extra large diet coke that i slurped on the entire night, or as what a wise friend who was sitting next to me tonight said, its diabetes in a bottle. well, whatever it is, i know it has been so long that i have been analyzing and re-assessing every single feeling and thought.

it might be a heartache world out there. and i have always voiced out my resentments, bitterness and jaded point of view. deep inside, there always that hope that it could, it would happen again.

Quotable Quotes

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.”

– Lao Tzu

GLBTQIA - Seriously?

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning, Inter sexed and Ally!

I'm Back

It's been a looong ass time since I last posted something on my blog. Yet, its quite funny (is it really?) that the stories and posts haven't changed much at all. Didn't change actually. Not a single bit.

What do I mean? If you've been following my blog, then I would think you'd know what I mean. Of course I wouldn't think there are a lot of you out there who just continuously check on my blog every 4 minutes just to check for any new posts, so I would elaborate.

I moved to Los Angeles, California about a month ago. I say, I needed to conquer LA and redeem myself. I also say that there are some unfinished business that I have to take care of. True. But its also this untameable restlessness that I have. Seems like I am still trying to find my place in this universe. Searching for what I want. Looking for that certain something that would finally let me settle down.

And then there's that issue on Love. Ha! I should never call it by that name. As I type the letters L-O-V-E i give it meaning, I give it truth and I make it seem like its something real. And even though I have been jaded and bitter these past years, I still continue to hope that it could happen, that I, too can experience it all over again.

Should at this point, this posting would seem all too depressing, I urge you to stop reading coz believe me you, it would get worse.

So Person #1. I thought (why do i usually start my sentences with these words?) I finally met a great match. Same age as me, cute, takes care of his body, decent job, sweet as hell, very caring and an all around good guy. The way we met was something short of a hollywood movie. We met on new year's eve and we shared a sweet kiss at the strike of midnight - 2009. Great way to start the year! But we weren't really connecting. Its hard to explain but the chemistry really wasn't there. I gave it a chance but I really don't think it would work.

Person #2. My roomie's friend stayed over at our apartment for a weekend. He's cute. But I really didn't pay attention coz I was still trying to get this other person out of my system. Then I was informed that my roomie had to go to dinner and that I would be his designated chauffeur for the night. And we started talking. Great conversation always gets my rocks off. I was lured into his being. And knowing that he'll be here for just a few days, the entire experience just took off in some sort of fast and furious episode. But yeah, he doesn't live in the city. And yeah he's leaving for another country for med school (yeah, med school sister!). So, yeah that wouldn't work.

Person #3. Let's try to do this in one run-on sentence. Guy from New York who I totally fell in love with called me (happiness) but he has a long term boyfriend (sad) broke up with his boyfriend of 7 years (hopeful) and then informed me that he met someone already that he is head over heels in love with now (devastated) and then has me to thank because he met him through a friend of mine who brought the guy to my send off party (what?!). Yeah. Enough said. Oh wait, just one question. Why not me? Oh wait, another question. When will it be my turn?

Person #4. There's this guy that I was corresponding with on match.com for a while now. Seems like we've been getting along real well. He's cute, nice profile, nice pictures, great job (cardiologist) and based from our conversations, has an awesome personality. After several email exchanges, I decided to ask him if he wants to meet up. With hands trembling, I was still hopeful. After everything that happened, and I mean everything from the past 5 years, why would this one be any different? Still I sent him the email. Would you like to guess what his response is? He got a job in Kansas.

Yey! So nope, there is no hope. Imma gonna die single.

Playboy Quote

"Everything I learned about love, I learned from the movies. The reality is because I was not shown affection, I escaped into an alternate universe, and it came right out of the movies. Love for me is defined almost exclusively in terms of romantic love as defined by the films of my childhood."

- Playboy honcho Hugh Hefner tells the L.A. Times

Dolphins Rock!

Dolphin
Genera and species: Tursiops truncatus
Collective Term: A school of dolphins

Description
Dolphins are those tanned, fit, and beautiful people who populate the background scenes of Baywatch. While they can give the impression that they're not the brightest lights in the harbor, their sun- bleached hair belies a fierce intelligence. This misperception stems from the fact that they've chosen a life of hedonism rather than succumbing to the rat race of their land-bound cousins.

Dolphins are annoyingly healthy; eating and drinking with abandon and never becoming overweight. Undoubtedly it's their active lifestyles that keep them so trim, but their good genes have something to do with it too; for even though dolphins subsist n junk food, their hair is shiny and their skin always glossy.

Generally, dolphins are peaceful and gregarious individuals, almost never displaying open aggression. When accosted, they'll swim away rather than engage in negative behavior and are always on the lookout for friends to join them in recreation. They love to host elaborate parties or social events and take their fun seriously.

Dolphin were not designed for manual labor. Their bodies lack the skillful hands of the land mammal personalities, but their intelligence and social abilities give them advantages in people-oriented careers.

Dolphins are a decidedly lusty lot and never consider the consequences of their behavior before plunging into relationships. Their high level of self-esteem gives them confidence that things will turn out well -- and they usually do . . . for the dolphin that is. For it's usually the dolphin that brings a relationship to its end, for the same reason every time: there's simply too many fish in the sea. No hard feelings of course, it's just time to move on to sample more of life's delicious bouquet.
Saying no to a sexual invitation would simply never occur to a dolphin. It's not that they're indiscriminate or anything, but they have a deep respect for chutzpah and wouldn't want to snub anyone with the gumption to put him or herself on the line.