Argh!

I met someone last Friday. Stats are as follows: 31 years old, 5'10, black, good looking, great body, good conversationalist, sense of humor, works as a social worker, nice fashion sense and he likes me. We went out on our first date. He took me to a play, because he knows that im into the whole theatre scene. Date ended with a nice kiss near the subway station in the west village.

He called the next day. And he called again. So i guess thats a good sign. I'm kicking myself in the butt now. I still think about Pinoy. I know its not nice and it aint fair to this new guy. I wanted to just meet people so that I can take my mind off him. But its not working so well. At the end of the day, I still think about him...

So now, I just wanted to find out what really went wrong. What happened. Was it just too fast? Did we skip a whole lot of getting to know you months, had sex and scared each other off? Was everything real or did we just act on our hormones? What does he want to do now? What does he want me to do? Should we start again? Should we just forget about everything? Should we just be friends? Can we be friends? Should i just think about my pride and just completely charge everything to experience and go on with my life?

The last one sounds like what I should really do and what I would normally do. But what if I want to fight for what I feel because based from experience its not like me to feel this way. That its so hard for me to open my heart or my life to another person and become vulnerable to being hurt again. But I would want to know his answers. Hopefully I can get them soon.

Where's the Magic Now?

Or so i thought it was magic. Boy was i wrong. It was a nice thought though. That it could happen again. That I could be happy again. That I would be able to find someone special to share my life with. It was nice. But things didnt really work out. After several weeks of being hopeful that there's this one person who likes me and I was starting to like, he suddently bails on me. All of a sudden, he started pushing himself away from me. It was weird. And it wasn't a nice feeling. Bitterness and pain was coming back all over again.

Now, for some odd reason, I miss him. Its as if I was drawn into this bermuda triangle of emotions. For those short weeks that we started to get to know each other, I told myself it was time to let someone in again. I was willing to start again and to go through the entire process of getting to know someone and possibly loving someone. I miss the was he cuddles. The way he smiles. The way he twiches his eyebrows. The way he talks. The way he touches me.

Its crazy. Or was I in love with the thought of falling in love again. The thing with this so called love is, we dont have this love manual. We dont have any detailed rules on how to go about falling in love. What we should do and we shouldn't do. There should also be this love thermometer to figure out if we are really in love with this person or just that thing we call infatuation. I guess we'll never know.

Its been more than a week now since he told me he wasn't ready. I still think about him. What hurts is I dont know if he thinks about me. If he really did like me. If he really thought I might be the one. If all those time that we spent together was real. Did he lead me on. Did he do it on purpose. Was it an ego thing? Did he find anything wrong with me that made him decide to stop everything and forget about me. Was I that bad?

I dont know.

Sana Ay Ikaw Na Nga

Anong kailangan kong gawin
(WHAT DO I NEED TO DO)
Upang malaman mo
(TO LET YOU KNOW)
Ikaw ay minamahal ko
(THAT I LOVE YOU)
Kailangan ko'y katulad mo
(I NEED SOMEONE LIKE YOU)
Sa buhay kong ito
(IN MY LIFE)
Nag-iisa lang sa mundo
(ALONE IN THIS WORLD)

Dati'y nasaktan na 'ko
(I WAS HURT BEFORE)
Takot nang magtiwala
(SCARED TO TRUST)
Ayoko na sanang umibig pa
(I DON'T WANT TO LOVE ANYMORE)
Ngunit ika'y ibang-iba
(BUT YOU'RE DIFFERENT)
Sa lahat ng nakilala
(FROM EVERYONE THAT I'VE MET)
Sana ay ikaw na nga
(I REALLY HOPE THAT IT'S YOU)

Anong kilangan kong gawin
(WHAT DO I NEED TO DO)
Upang matigil na
(TO STOP)
Ang kabaliwan kong ito
(MY BEING CRAZY )
Sumpa ko sa sarili'y
(I SWORE TO MYSELF)
Hinding-hinding hindi na
(THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN)
Ngunit heto na naman ako
(BUT HERE I AM AGAIN)
Hindi na papipigil pa
(I WONT BE STOPPED)
At di na paaawat
(I WONT BE HELD BACK)
Sinisigaw na ang pangalan mo
(MY HEART IS SHOUTING FOR YOUR NAME)

Ikaw talaga'y ibang-iba
(YOU'RE REALLY DIFFERENT)
Sa lahat ng nakilala
(FROM ALL THAT I'VE MET)
Sana ay ikaw na nga
(I REALLY HOPE THAT IT'S YOU)
Sana ay ikaw na nga
(I REALLY HOPE THAT IT'S YOU)

He's not into you...

But just a reminder to myself and perhaps an introduction to a philosophy that could change my life:

*If he doesn't call you back, he's just not that into you.
*If he DOES call you but only for sex, he's just not that into you.
*If he's too busy to hang out, he's just not that into you.

Okay. Deep breath. I feel much better now.